contemplating

10th August 2012

So much has been going on lately.  I can’t believe my summer is moving by so fast.  Summer school occupied my first month, now I’ve just been hanging out with friends and eating out almost every other day.  I went window-shopping today and when I went into H&M to try on short shorts and a tank, I felt really self conscious.  To be extremely blunt, my skin is terrible and my body is so out of shape.  >___>”  I feel like a disgusting mess.  Gotta keep up the activities, and gotta stop my bad habit of eating out so much.  Let’s see if I can get into shape once summer is over.  x__x  I think that this was a good reminder that I shouldn’t have to worry about anyone’s opinion except for God’s.  Because really.  God’s opinion is the only one that matters.  gotta keep reminding myself that.

2nd March 2012

I know I love you enough to be able to trust you, but there’s this feeling inside of me that is eating me alive. So… she drinks and smokes; I can’t put a finger on whether or not she’s capable of doing more. I really hate that you have to go through all of this, because if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t want to either. I’m so scared of losing you… you’re so nice and have a good heart. I don’t want you to be around her at all, because it seems like she’s influencing you way too much. I’m so scared that every time I think about this, my eyes start tearing up. I can’t describe the love I feel towards you, because you truly mean the world to me. If I were to lose you, I wouldn’t be able to handle the tears. Please don’t leave me.

5th January 2012

I find myself awake at 4 in the morning, thinking again.

Love. Does it exist? If it existed, why are there still wars occuring in the world? Love is a simple word, but I think it is the most meaningful. I have never told anyone outside of my immediate family, that I love them. I don’t usually tell people that I love them, unless something life changing happened, or at the time I feel the need to say it. I hate myself because I always put myself out there, and then I start developing feelings for someone. These feelings control everything I do, and I can’t think straight when I feel this way. And then eventually, I’m always the one who has to endure through a long past of painful memories. I told myself that I wouldn’t ever love someone because of how much hurt I have to go through after the happiness, but I’ve found myself in the exact same place, once again.

I’m really afraid that this will happen to you and me, and that you’ll just get tired of this, and you’ll leave. It will be easier for you, because I’m just another girl, from another state. I just think it’s weird how I’ve only met you for over a week, yet I’ve already told you that I love you. I’m scared that what I’m feeling isn’t love, but instead infatuation. I don’t know why I told you I loved you, but I know that I can’t go even a day without talking to you.

Everytime I talk to you, I laugh and smile so much. I think it’s stupid how girls friend-zone you, because honestly, they’re really missing out on someone who could make them feel real happiness. I’m glad that I met someone like you, and I really hope that we’ll continue talking, and none of us will be bored. You are an incredible guy, and you deserve a lot more than you think.

16th January 2012

You know when you cry, your eyes just sting and you feel like a mess? Do you know what it feels like to always be put down by the one person who made you happy? I don’t want to be happy anymore. Because this so-called happiness, involves a great deal of pain afterwards, pain that I really can’t handle.

11th January 2012

You grow attached to one person, and then they leave you with just memories. Grow attached to another person, and it happens again. You’re left with nothing but the past. This is something that is inevitable, however… we don’t see it coming when we’re still in the moment, still laughing at how funny the jokes he makes are. This happens with almost every guy I get close to, which, to be honest, is really sad. I just hope it won’t happen between you and me…

10th January 2012

If I told you I like you, would you tell me the same?

8th January 2012

Even if I only saw you for a few minutes, it’s better than not seeing you at all. :) You looked really bored today. Working and all. I hope you didn’t mind my visit. But I thankyou for the icecream~

6th January 2012

So, I just realized something life changing. Something about how I see relationships. No matter how people make you feel, when they’re happy, you’re happy too. You’re happy because they smile more, and they laugh more. Even if they’re with someone, and that someone isn’t you, your heart is still content to know that they’re happy. From now on, I don’t care if the person I like is with someone else. As long as two more people are happy in the world, and as long as he’s still smiling, I’ll be greatful.

5th January 2012

List to do before January 9th, 2012:

Biology:

- Finish notes for circulatory system in preparation for the biology circulation test
- Complete Christmas assignment
- Finish Bonus assignment

Chemistry:
- Finish writing notes for chemistry review
- Finish organizing chemistry binder
- Look over chemistry binder
- Review all worksheets in chemistry binder

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List to do before January 16th 2012:

Chemistry:

- Review all units in textbook
- Redo questions on worksheets 2x each question
- Review notes about scientists and key topics

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List to do before January 23nd 2012:

Math:

- Study for math, go through homework assignments
- Organize everything in math from 1st unit to last.
- Look and complete all review sections in math textbook

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List to do before January 24th 2012:

Biology:

- Finish writing all notes significant for the test
- Review everything
- Look at review in textbook, and complete all unit reviews
- Look over all notes

5th January 2012

Dear God,
Please help me focus on my priorities, and not be easily distracted by things that aren’t going to be important in the next 20 years. I want to succeed, and recieve a really high mark on my finals, but it’s hard because multiple choice tests absolutely destroy me. The final is multiple choice. This isn’t a big deal if you look at the general picture, but it still determines where I’m going to be in the future. I need good grades, and I want my mom to be proud of me. So please help me focus, and just get stuff done. I need to know everything, and I need to keep organized. It’s a new year, so new start right? Well, this year I’ll be super organized. I’ll get 90 on my final, and I’ll be ready for grade 12. Now that grade 11 is almost over, I’m actually really scared for grade 12. Diplomas…. mostly. I will study so hard, and I won’t have anything to distract me. I hope I can get into U of C though. I’m looking towards being a teacher. I think I’ll be a pretty good one, since I can understand children really easily, and I get along with them. I’ll have to know a lot to teach people though. I hope I can manage with my studies for the next however many years…

In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

19th December 2011

To be honest, I have been lying to myself for the past few months. I think, and say that I’m over him, when really, the memories never go away. It’s like cancer. Once you have it, you know that you have a short period to live, and worst thing is that there’s no cure. I feel like half of the time I’m drowning, with people just walking past me; there’s not even one glance from their faces at how pathetic I am. I can’t hide this anymore from the world. I miss you, and I want us to be like before. Friends, smiling at eachother’s jokes, taking small walks together during lunch breaks. I trusted you so much, and not once did the thought that we wouldn’t be friends anymore cross my mind. I guess it’s true that when you have something, you really don’t treasure it until it’s gone. I miss our friendship so much, and I would give anything to get it back. I miss your assuring words, and your bright smile. I also miss that laugh. In summary, I just miss you.

19th December 2011

I haven’t been keeping up with my thoughts lately, and I’m afraid that I’ll eventually forget everything that was important to me. So I’ll try to write something about what’s been going on with me every now and then, a lot more often.

So… It’s already December. Not far from Christmas either. Christmas, I think, is another day to be kind to one another, but a day to try and give a little more effort with the kindness. It’s a day to appreciate what you’ve been blessed with, and to love family more than ever. Christmas is not about presents, nor about “recieving” anything. I just like to spend time with my mom when Christmas comes around the corner, because she is the most important person in my life, and I know that I would be absolutely nowhere without her. So thanks for taking care of me all these years, I promise that i’ll keep on taking care of you too. I hope this Christmas is a great blessing for her.

17th October 2011

I’m just a girl. I can’t vote yet, I can’t drink or party at bars, I’m not the type of person you would see with the ‘popular’ kids. Being completely honest here, I don’t think anyone is popular. We were all made as humans. Not angels, not Goddess’, not fairies or demons. So being human, wouldn’t that make us completely equal to one another? Apparently media says otherwise. I actually don’t understand how the media portrays a beautiful girl as someone who has the “perfect body, “perfect smile,” “perfect hair,” and everything along those lines. Seriously, any person who can freely voice their own opinions, and who isn’t afraid to tell the world what they believe in, is who I call beautiful. Actual beautiful people don’t care about the exterior image. Because let’s face it. Looks don’t last even half of our life time. we’ll all grow old, and gain wrinkles and dry skin by the time we’re 60. The media has also gotten young girls to be self-conscious to the point where they believe they have to put on an incredible amount of make-up, just so they can “fit in.” This is so wrong, and sickens me so much. So yeah, if there was a person who was called Media, I would punch them in the face, and then walk away. Anyways, I believe that no one is perfect, and that everyone deserves a first chance to show other people that they aren’t anything like the rumours that have been spread about them.

17th October 2011

I really hate myself right now. I’m legit failing chemistry, my LoL addiction is getting worse, I feel fat so I haven’t been eating properly lately, I feel like i haven’t had time for anything these days, I’ve been staying up until 3 to finish simple work, and i’ve just been feeling really sad. People say that things can only get better. Well you know what? Look who’s starting to hate life even more than she did before.

16th October 2011

Timothy Nguyen:

“First Moves

Most girls have trouble making first moves, and some live in complete expectation. For those who do live in expectation, here’s something you should know. Lets just start by saying guys LOVE girls who are confident about themselves. A girl that knows what she wants and doesn’t care for those who judge. Women love unexpected surprises right? Concur-Vice Versa, so do guys. If you want something. most likely hes in same the bubble. Girls, if you have the urge and the desire of wanting for example a kiss, then just simply… KISS THAT MOFO. You never know, what if hes dying in silence of wanting to give you one, but doesn’t have the nerve to? Its nice to help out here and there, it makes it much easier for the guy and relationship itself. And if you don’t i know for a fact once you get home, you Will regret some parts that happened during the day. You only live once, don’t live it in regret.”

16th October 2011

Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because I know that is what we will ever be?

16th October 2011

I know that if you want to live your life, you have to take chances. But I just can’t take a chance with you, because I know that our friendship would die off if I ever asked for more. And you’re like an older brother anyways. Always there to comfort me, and to give me advice. The unfortunate thing is that I tend to fall for older guys. =3=

15th October 2011

Everytime i’m down, everytime i’m crying, everytime i’m hurt, I honestly don’t even care about who harmed me. All I care about

is whether or not it’s you who helps me up again .

15th October 2011

- remember when you lended me your hoodie? well today I really needed it . but unfortunately you weren’t there. ): and I swear I was shivering to death .

12th October 2011

Have you ever felt the need to tell someone something really important, about your love life, school life, or life in general, and you felt like no one was there to hear your thoughts?

12th October 2011

If feelings were not meant to be stored up inside, then why do people write notes in wine bottles, seal them, and send them out into the ocean?

12th October 2011

irrational feelings

Half of my heart desperately wants to forget you. and the other half is still holding on to the scattered pieces of our memories. why? I don’t know. But I really want my heart to just decide whether or not I’m over you. And to be honest, I never really fell for you. it isn’t a crush, and it isn’t love. it’s more like a companion-feeling. i don’t know. I just felt comfortable around you. more comfortable than i’ve ever felt around anyone. I felt like you were the only person i could trust entirely. now, all i get is blank stares and empty conversations. it’s like either your whole person changed, or someone paid you the lottery to ignore me. And now I feel as if i’m still trying to continuously reach out for your attention, when before, i never had to even had to lift a finger. Even though I knew you for only a year, we were such good friends. We just… our friendship just magically happened. Like it felt as if you were an old friend of mine, as if i could trust you with my life. But now? I don’t even like you, yet to see you laughing and talking to other girls, my heart just snaps in half, and my mind turns cloudy. I can’t think straight, and most of the time i don’t even want to think because it hurts too much. I guess i’m confused. I don’t know where my life is going. I don’t know what I want to be, what’s best for me, what’s best for my future children… Yeah, this is usually why I tend to stray away from these topics. because I overthink, and when I overthink, my head hurts. My headaches lead to heartaches too. for some reason. anyways, it’s really late, and as i stated before, overthinking brings me deep pain. so i’ll just finish my chemistry, and hopefully get some rest today.

goodnight tumblr .

14th September 2011

I very much dislike when people say you’re lying, when in reality, all you’re telling is the truth. It just gets on my nerves.

kinda makes me want to punch them in the balls.

10th September 2011

sad days;

This isn’t happiness.

u for exactly who you are.

5) isn’t ever tired of talking to you, and doesn’t ever think you’re annoying.

6) and isn’t ashamed of your friendship.

If only there was someone like that.

8th September 2011

No matter what people say, just about everyone has high expectations. Whether it’s tall, smart, handsome, cute, friendly, or even funny. People say that they don’t care what he or she looks like, though in reality, looks actually do matter. Don’t get me wrong; they don’t matter as much as the personality of the individual, but they still have some importance. Seriously. And then there’s that group of girls who try their hardest to look like angels. Or whatever. I mean, as long as you look like a decent person, then no one has the right to critisize you. To be honest, if you walk into every class with a smile on your face, then I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t want to be your best friend. So be happy, smile more, and don’t concentrate too much on your flaws. “embrace your flaws,” was it?

4th September 2011

My heart is

just as scratched up as my phone.

it’s been dropped on hard concrete floor, face down.

thrown around like a baseball at a speed faster than water out of a faucet.

drenched with running tears.

and stolen just about 20 times.

3rd September 2011

-Give and don’t expect.

-Advise, but don’t order.

-Ask, but never demand.

3rd September 2011

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

3rd September 2011

AWEOIFJAOWIJFIOAWJ

SO MANY THINGS TO PRINT FOR BIO. AWOEIJFIOAJGGGGGWWWEWEAEFEA

MY LIFE RIGHT NOW> >:OOO

31st August 2011

What I’m doing on the 2nd last day of summer?

Reading The Hunger Games and sitting inside watching the weather rain all day, hoping that when school starts, I won’t be as stressed out as last year. I sure hope tomorrow will be a better day.

— Please don’t let me run into you… again.

31st August 2011

I thought that if I spent more time with my friends, i would be able to get you off my mind. But even while playing Disney Monolpoly, and watching Juno, I still can’t stop thinking about you. Either I’ve hopelessly fallen in love, or my feelings are all lies. I feel so empty inside. It hurts.

30th August 2011

It hurts when he walks right past you without even acknowledging your existence.

30th August 2011

Sucks how I’m stuck in the house all day, monitoring this carpenter guy because my mom’s at work, and says he might steal something from our house. But look at the bright side; the weather’s pretty moody today.

29th August 2011

What I need to do in my life right now:

- Stop neglecting school work.

- Contemplate my future.

- Stray away from anyone who I believe will end up hurting me.

- Keep friends close.

- Let go of my obsession for LMH.

- Move past my deep, secretive feelings for a boy.

- Place God first in my life.

- Continue my healthy-eating streak.

- Stay away from high-calorie foods, such as chocolate, chips, all that junk food.

- Know my priorities.

- And,

feel good about myself for who I am, not for who society judges me as.

29th August 2011

I don’t know if I can take it anymore. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. When I see an asian that has similar features to yours, I immediately think of you. When I go grocery shopping with my mom at a certain store, I remember that you work there. When I listen to my I-Pod, every song somehow relates to you. When I walk down the same path that we used to walk down together, I think of how happy we used to be. How happy *I used to be. I miss you, my best friend. Wouldn’t it be easier if we were just alone in the world, with no one to judge us?

28th August 2011

You know you love someone when you stay up all night just to get a reply from them, over a text. And when they don’t reply within the next minute, you feel as if they don’t like you anymore, or that they don’t care enough to text you back.

I am guilty of this.

It’s kinda sad now that I think about it.

25th August 2011

Nothing hurts more then waiting, since I don’t even know what I’m waiting for anymore.

21st August 2011

But behind the scenes, he means the world to me. I want to tell him that he’s wonderful and show him that he’s loved.

- I hope you know that I love you, and when I can’t sleep, it’s because it’s almost impossible to get you off my mind. Seeing you again, coincidentally, didn’t help either.

7th August 2011

It’s so hard to live.

Because every single time I wake up,

I tell myself that the people in my life will walk right out whenever they feel like it.

they stick around and pretend to be kind to you, just to know more about you,

then they dig into your personal information and before you know it,

they stab you in the back.

I miss being a kid.

Being someone who didn’t have any worries.

Someone who could hold hands with a boy without having people think something’s going on.

Someone who’s only fear was if someone else stole their favourite crayon.

It turns out life isn’t as easy as we wish it were.

so no matter how hard I try,

no matter how much I give up,

either way I’m going to lose.

5th August 2011

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop”

— Confucius

2nd August 2011

“Love, like murder, should have no witnesses.”

— Steven Brust

31st July 2011

- Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have.

28th July 2011

I really can’t get you off my mind .

I don’t know why, but somehow everything relates to you. You’re on my mind everyday, everywhere, every secound, and it’s honestly as irritating as if someone were pulling my leg.

It’s hard to continue holding my feelings for you, and waiting for you, because I know I can’t ever have you. But knowing this, makes me want you even more. It’s true that whatever we don’t have, we want. That’s just how humans were made. Thinking about you like you’re the only thing I need to survive, and being drawn away because of the distance and long hours and days spent without you. I really do not know how much more I can take. But I know it isn’t love, even if it sure feels like it.

All I need is closure. To put an end to my unrealistic, childish feelings. Just tell me that you don’t feel the same way I do, and that I don’t make you feel the way that you do. I’m trying to hate you, to forget about you, to pretend that we never even met. But we both know that’s impossible for me to ever do. You make me feel happy for once in my life. It’s a type of happiness that no one has ever given me. It’s real happiness.

To be completely honest with you, all I want is for you to be happy. I want to see you happy. Whether with some girl you randomly met at a grocery store, someone who you’ve known for a very long time, or maybe even me. I realize that my chances with you are slim to none, but even with that small percentage, I still hope that one day, it will be me.

So one day, when the world is on your shoulders, remember that the one person who will always be there for you, through rain and snow, will be me.

26th July 2011

It isn’t what our names are, how we dress, what kind of people we choose as friends, where our parents were born, or even how great our childhoods were .

it’s what we say that makes others stop caring .

And when all their faith is lost, there’s really no one who you can depend on, other than yourself.

25th July 2011

It’s slowly getting to me .

- & Life is slowly catching up to me .

20th July 2011

- Even when I’m reminded every day that you will never be mine, I still like you.

20th July 2011

AndIcan’tbreathe

And we know it’s never simple never easy

never a clean break, no one here to save me.

you’re the only thing I know

like the back of my hand,

And I can’t breathe

without you

but I have to

breathe

without you

but I have to .

20th July 2011

I’m sick and tired of your reasons, I got no one to believe in, you tell me that you want me, then push me down. Taylor Swift

19th July 2011

- people are people and sometimes they change their minds

To be honest, if you’ve been around for a fairly long time, you could say that there really aren’t any trustworthy people out there. And even when you know there are people that will talk about you behind your back, and even blackmail you, what hurts the absolute most, is when your own friends are the ones who are doing it.

19th July 2011

When you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you

I knew from the very first day I met you, that a strong friendship was starting to progress. That nothing in the world would or could ever come between our trust in eachother, our connection, and our feelings.

It wasn’t the type of relationship you would see between a girl and a guy, where romance and affection would take place, rather a relationship built on faith and the knowledge that if any one of us were hurt, the other would be right there. It was something special. Something extraordinary. We really didn’t mind being around one another, and to be honest, the feeling was nice and comforting.

But the thing that bothered me the most, was how other friends could get in the way of such a strong relationship. I honestly thought I had lost you, when you started rejecting my calls and requests. I thought that maybe if I had done something different, that it wouldn’t have ended up this way. But I guess if that’s what God planned for, I won’t be hesitant to follow along.

And from this day on, my heart started feeling empty, with nothing but a stirring of complete loneliness. Even when the pieces of my heart continued to call out your name, there wouldn’t ever be any reply. And my heart knew this. But it kept calling out, hoping that maybe, just maybe, there would be a reply. And to this day, I haven’t seen your face in nearly a month.

Even when there’s the lowest chance that you’ll be reading this, I just want to let you know that I miss you more than anyone else.